CRAIG BROWN: Liz Truss WILL always deliver, just like Postman Pat

Liz Truss has promised she will always deliver - just like Postman Pat, notes CRAIG BROWN

Liz Truss has promised she will always deliver – just like Postman Pat, notes CRAIG BROWN

Fifteen surprising things about Ms Truss

1 She recently revealed her passion for Bruce Springsteen to a group of Young Conservatives. ‘Bruce was a great all-round entertainer, a terrific song-and-dance man and to my mind the best Strictly presenter we ever had.’ 

2 She considered the slogan ‘In Liz We Truss’ for her leadership campaign, but decided against it.

3 She is proud of her knowledge of economics. ‘It’s all about money and stuff,’ she informed a group of sixth-formers.

4 As Foreign Secretary, she thinks her expertise in geography comes in very handy. Without consulting officials, she can point to where Iceland, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland and Israel are on a map. ‘And drop by next month, and I’ll be ready with Jamaica, Japan and Jordan,’ she adds triumphantly.

5 As assistant head of her local primary school, she presented the school governors with what she called ‘a clean break with the past’. Her 15,000-word document, involved keeping everything exactly the same, or, as she put it, ‘offering a clear vision for the future’.

6 To those critics who maintain that she speaks only in cliches, she says: ‘That’s 100 per cent incorrect. I think out of the box, and that’s why I’m rolling out the red carpet to steer our way through the storm by hitting the ground running.’

7 As Foreign Secretary, she travelled from London to Calais in under three days — a full two days faster than the average Briton.

8 Look carefully, and you can see that she has cultivated at least two different sets of eyebrows. ‘It’s so much easier than constantly having to change your facial expression,’ she explains. ‘The higher eyebrows are for expressing surprise, and the lower eyebrows are for expressing concern. I offer the full gamut.’

9 Liz Truss has always prided herself on her capacity for making successful predictions, reaching an apogee in 2021 when she successfully predicted that all her previous predictions would turn out to be inaccurate. ‘And that’s why you can trust me to tell the truth,’ she explains.

10 Once a keen Remainer, she now sees the error of her ways. ‘You only have to look at the massive queues in our ports, the rise in the cost of living and the understaffing in our NHS to see the world of opportunities opened up by Brexit.’

Liz Truss (pictured in Woodford Green yesterday) now sees the error of her Remainer ways

Liz Truss (pictured in Woodford Green yesterday) now sees the error of her Remainer ways

11 Liz Truss’s tax plans have been backed by a group of leading economists led by Sir Michael Mouse and Lord Homer of Simpson. ‘The only way we can save more is by spending more money,’ she says. ‘It’s as simple as that.’

12 Every day during the leadership election she plans to unveil a new plan. Tomorrow, she will announce plans to double down on levelling up. The day after tomorrow she will extend those plans to levelling down on doubling up. The next day, she plans to level up on doubling down, and the day after she will double up on levelling down. ‘I want more plans than ever before,’ Liz says. ‘That’s my plan.’

13 Liz remains tremendously proud of her Yorkshire roots. ‘I say what I mean — and I mean what I mean, not what I don’t mean. Which is not to say that I don’t mean what I mean to mean. But I’m not mean. I tell it like it is, or rather what it could be if only it stopped being like it is. And I couldn’t be clearer than that.’

14 She has been photographed riding in a tank, sitting in a fighter jet and wearing a furry hat in Moscow’s Red Square. In the first televised leadership debate she wore a pussy-bow blouse. Small wonder, then, that many see her as a second Margaret Thatcher. But she insists that she is her own woman, adding that her husband Denis and children Mark and Carol are in full agreement. ‘I fight’, she adds, ‘and I fight to win. Rejoice!’

15 It is a little known fact that Liz Truss once took a holiday job as a postal worker. She passed her interview for the job after promising: ‘I will work day and night to deliver for families up and down the country.’ After a week of delivering letters and parcels in her local village, she applied for the job of Postmaster General. ‘Under my watch, the Post Office has delivered millions of letters and parcels around the world. Yes, I have met the challenge!’


Related posts