I’m a sex therapist — here are 6 signs that you’re bad in bed

Let’s talk about sex, baby — and why you’re bad at it.

Sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers, founder of The Therapy Yard UK-based counseling service, is sharing the six signs you suck in the sack — from a shortage of swagger to a run-of-the-mill routine.

“People can’t be ‘good’ in bed — relaxed, engaged, immersed — if they feel judged or emotionally unsafe,” Christophers told the Daily Mail this week while offering half a dozen hints as to why there’s gloom in your bedroom.

You lack confidence

“When you lack body confidence, you don’t feel free to be open or spontaneous, so you’re less responsive,” Christophers explains. “You might insist on having sex in the dark, or under the covers. It can help to focus on what you do like, and what feels good.”

Christophers advises firing up music or candles to set the mood, while Men’s Journal recommends 11 techniques to boost self-esteem, such as preparing for potential pitfalls and visualizing sex success.


Sex struggles often stem from poor communication, experts say.
Sex struggles often stem from poor communication, experts say. Getty Images/iStockphoto

You’re easily distracted

“Good sex is … about being connected: losing yourself in the pleasure of it, not even thinking about your next move, as if you’re dancing together,” Christophers declares.

Self suggests practicing mindfulness training the brain to focus on the present every day and bringing that mindset to the bedroom.

You’re embarrassed to talk about sex with your partner

Vanessa Marin, author of the 2023 book “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” recommends jumpstarting the discussion with a compliment.

“It could be something really tame like: ‘You look nice today’ or ‘Your eyes are really beautiful.’ You can also offer some sort of compliment about the connection you feel,” Marin told The New York Times last year.

She shared that sex struggles often come from poor communication.

Christophers notes that it’s important to check in with your partner about their desires and continue to follow up because those preferences can evolve over time.


Sexual performance anxiety affects 9% to 25% of men (contributing to premature ejaculation) and 6% to 16% of women (inhibiting sexual desire), a 2019 study found.
Sexual performance anxiety affects 9% to 25% of men (contributing to premature ejaculation) and 6% to 16% of women (inhibiting sexual desire), a 2019 study found. Getty Images/iStockphoto

You don’t change your routine

A Portuguese study published last year in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that men tend to report higher levels of sexual boredom in long-term relationships compared to women.

Well+Good has five tips for getting into a new groove, which include scheduling sex and adding fantasy into the formula.

Your partner is just not that into it

“Consent means both partners want sex equally. But there are many reasons why desire levels vary,” Christophers reasons. “If you prefer morning sex, and your partner prefers it at night, you need to talk about this, and find something that works for both.”

You feel shame if you don’t ‘perform’

Sexual performance anxiety affects 9% to 25% of men (contributing to premature ejaculation) and 6% to 16% of women (inhibiting sexual desire), a 2019 study found.

Christophers advises taking the pressure off by focusing on your own physical sensations, instead of just your partner’s enjoyment.

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