Asia attempted a trick that sounds fascinating on paper, and probably looked great in a small rehearsal room — she released monarch butterflies, many of which appeared to be dead, from cameo bracelets and colossal chesticle cones — but the butterflies simply didn’t read from the enormous stage, and the bit flopped. (The shot of Monique and Vanjie’s reactions will unquestionably be made into a GIF that will survive the nukes.) Unimaginably, Kameron, stunting with the same stripper moves we’ve seen four times now, beat Asia O’Hara, and Asia, a favorite to win, was knocked out. By Kameron Michaels. The audience screeched. Asia looked as deflated as her now-empty un-fun bags, as trampled as her butterflies.
Next, Aquaria, looking like the foil-wrapped chicken at Yank Sing, and Eureka, looking like Big Bird’s slutty purple aunt, faced off to Ms. Jackson’s “If.” Both of these queens came dressed to kill, and they didn’t waste a second. Aquaria quickly unwrapped her chicken to reveal a spiked nude catsuit, and flung open a fan that read “Miss Vanjie.” Eureka pulled off her curly wig to reveal a Blond Ambition ponytail, then peeled her purple feathers back to reveal a red dress, then peeled the red dress off to reveal a mirrored bodysuit.
Aquaria revealed that she can lip sync the house up, down, over and out- and that, though she be only 22, she knows her ’90s Janet choreo. In another killer Janet reference, she ripped off fake nipple covers. The only loser in this lip sync was Justin Timberlake. It was a dead, humid heat. In an unprecedented turn of events, both advanced to a now three-way Battle Royale. (It should be noted that, for someone who once whined about not having a shot at a “double save,” Aquaria didn’t seem thrilled to be half of one.)
In the face of rumored bot intervention in the online election, Ru executively ordered that the Miss Congeniality vote would come from the queens themselves, and they chose the consistently congenial Monét. She cackled, charmed, and chewed her trophy, crowing, “Soak it up, bitches!” (Scotch Brite, she just wrote your new slogan. Hire her.)
The stage was set for the final hoedown. Enter last year’s crown-wielding winner, the stunning, serpent-wrapped Sasha Velour — an alien Eve in the garden of an extraterrestrial Eden of which she is hopefully the founding mother, and to which we are all moving soon.
Our thirsty threesome was commanded to lip sync to “Bang Bang,” by prosperous threesome Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj. Aquaria threw the first grenade with a lit sparkler. Eureka countered with a panel reading “The Big Girl,” which tore away to reveal the word “WINS.” Aquaria leapt, split and fired a confetti gun into the air. Kameron threw her head around a lot. The threesome was a bit messy, and it was hard to focus on any one person, but there was one queen who came out on top.