Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN’S ultimate insight into this week’s soaps 

The number of soapland residents who end up in prison far outweighs the national average and, because of the hopelessness of soap police and lawyers, it’s invariably the wrong ones.

Corrie’s Deirdre was put away after being taken in by tie salesman and con artist Jon, the fake pilot. 

Gail was wrongly convicted for the murder of husband Joe, and Sally for fraud. 

Other inmates through the years have included Nick, Abi, Kirsty, Jim, Tracy, Peter – and, currently, David.

Does prison ever change them, though? EastEnders’ Phil and Ben learned nothing from their time inside, other than how not to make it as master criminals (the Corleones can rest easy). 

In this week's Emmerdale, Cain (pictured centre, with Moira and Nate) forces Moira and Nate to head for the lakeside in his car

In this week’s Emmerdale, Cain (pictured centre, with Moira and Nate) forces Moira and Nate to head for the lakeside in his car 

Emmerdale’s Charity and Kim continue to act like they’re competing for Lady Macbeth’s crown, while it’s clear Maya languishing in her cell has no remorse whatsoever for having seduced young Jacob. 

At least Corrie’s Sally learned yoga inside.

Soap prisons are real hellholes. They even make the prison in Les Misérables, in all its depressing and grim glory, look like a laughing policemen’s ball. 

Prisoners don’t even get to watch the soaps.

EMMERDALE: ANOTHER BURNS NIGHT

When in doubt, blow it up. That’s always been a favourite ploy of Emmerdale when they (a) want to kill someone, (b) want sensationalist headlines, or (c) need to use some leftover explosives the props department have found in the bowels of Yorkshire TV.

It doesn’t take Pete long to spill the beans about Moira and Nate’s affair after Cain whacks him unconscious and ties him up (that props cellar also has an endless supply of kidnapping goodies). 

Next on his list are the totally unconvincing lovers, enjoying a night away but soon to enjoy a not-so-nice boat trip when Cain forces them to head for the lakeside in his car. 

Naturally, there’s a can of petrol in the boot (does anyone keep anything other than bodies or murder weapons in car boots in the Dales?). 

In the men’s scuffle and with Moira going overboard, no one has noticed the leaking canister.

If Nate thought his heart went boom every time he saw Moira, he ain’t felt nothing yet.

In happier liquid news, Chas’s waters break and Marlon’s there to coach her through the labour. 

I hope his kitchen skills getting buns out of ovens are up to scratch.

CORONATION STREET: A SLICE OF ACTION

David (pictured, with Josh) is given the opportunity to punish his attacker, after Abe drags Josh into his cell in this week's Coronation Street

David (pictured, with Josh) is given the opportunity to punish his attacker, after Abe drags Josh into his cell in this week’s Coronation Street

What a bizarre prison. 

Why, when Abe recently managed to get hold of a pair of scissors and David covered for him, and again last night, is there an unlocked cupboard full of the things? 

You couldn’t trust this lot around a paperclip; and as for David Scissorhands, he looked dangerous in the salon and the barber’s, so it’s never safe to let him near a pair.

When a riot breaks out, Abe drags Josh to David’s cell, hands David a pair of scissors and tells him to do his worst (I tell you, that guard needs to go on a scissor protection course). 

Presumably, he means his worst as in Sweeney Todd, not as in awful haircuts, of which there have been plenty over the years.

Will David succumb and finally get to punish his attacker? And when Josh is later stabbed but he denies having anything to do with it, will Shona believe David when he calls her to say he needs a lawyer? 

The Weatherfield Three (Adam, Paula and Imran) are the only ones within a hundred-mile radius and David has the rotten luck to be saddled with the latter. You thought it was all over, David? It is now.

The harrowing lead-up to Sinead’s death has been immensely powerful, convincing and utterly heartbreaking. 

The long farewell over the past few weeks is finally over, and one can only marvel at the performances of Katie Mc-Glynn (Sinead) and Rob Mallard (Daniel), who have seen me get through more Kleenex than when ET lay dying in the movie – and that’s a lot, I can tell you.

EASTENDERS: TEA FOR ONE

In this week's EastEnders, Stuart decides to teach Ian a lesson by throwing a drink over his clothes (pictured)

In this week’s EastEnders, Stuart decides to teach Ian a lesson by throwing a drink over his clothes (pictured)

Nothing good ever comes of people deciding to change their lives along the lines of ‘No more secrets, no more lies.’ 

When Daniel sends a video message to Jean, urging her to be more honest with everyone, she takes his advice literally and home truths hit… well, home. 

Baseball style. When Ian retaliates in typical fashion, Stuart wastes no time in teaching him a lesson. 

Any beverage thrown over Ian can only be an improvement on his clothes. 

Let’s hope the tea disables his laptop, too, and stops him from opening any more dreadful businesses. Nice one, Stuart; next time, make it a pint.

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