Why you SHOULD ghost: Tough love coach says the ‘rude’ rejection method is helpful – and if you’re too fragile to handle it you aren’t ready for a relationship anyway
- Australia’s self-described ‘tough love’ relationship coach believes in ghosting
- Jake Maddock is know for his traditional style when it comes to relationships
- But thinks ghosting is a new tool everyone should embrace while dating
- He says women need to embrace their feminine energy and follow a man’s lead
- While men need to step into the masculine and take charge of the relationship
Jake Maddock told FEMAIL finding an ideal partner is time consuming enough without having to explain to each date why they aren’t it
Australia’s ‘tough love’ dating coach has revealed why ghosting is an important tool to be used whilst dating, rather than something to ‘cry over’.
Jake Maddock told FEMAIL finding an ideal partner is time consuming enough without having to explain to each date why they aren’t it.
The ghosting tactic typically sees a date ‘disappear’ without a trace, often deleting and blocking the other person on social media and dating apps without so much as a ‘goodbye’.
It has been declared ‘bad manners’ by main stream dating coaches as it is considered hurtful and uncompassionate.
Lawmakers in the Philippines are even considering making the act illegal, arguing it is emotional abuse.
But Jake says that’s the ‘stupidest thing’ he has ever heard.
‘I have been ghosted, anyone who has ever dated has been ghosted,’ he said.
‘If you go on a date with someone and you don’t like them, you don’t owe them an explanation on why,’ he said.
‘If they are so sensitive that they can’t stand it when someone doesn’t like them, then they have a lot of personal issues to work out. They need to develop a sense of resilience and intestinal fortitude and that is not your problem,’ he added.
He believes if someone is ghosted before a date, or after their first date and they are left shaken by it then they should work on their self esteem issues before trying to find a love match.
‘The world has become so soft and pathetic that if someone ghosts you, if they don’t respond to your messages, everyone breaks down and has panic attacks while crying themselves to sleep,’ he said.
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‘The world has become so soft and pathetic that if someone ghosts you, if they don’t respond to your messages, everyone breaks down and has panic attacks while crying themselves to sleep,’ he said
He says people who react like that ‘aren’t your ideal partner’ anyway so there is no need to feel bad about being the ghost.
But even the tough-love coach notes there are limits to being able to use the tool – and they typically come into play a few weeks into seeing someone.
‘It’s ok to ghost during dating but once you are four or five dates in and in an exclusive relationship, you do owe the person an explanation,’ he said.
‘If you are getting ghosted after this time, and you’re in the dark about it, often the person isn’t that into you and you haven’t picked up on them not being attracted to you,’ he added.
Building on this he said it is okay to ghost if you have tried to break up with someone and they have become argumentative or ‘not had a bar of it’.
‘There are a lot of people in your life you probably should ghost now, like your bad friend, your toxic ex, your unhealthy family member. Ghost them all and find and create relationships that actually improve your life,’ he said.
The polarising dating coach recently made headlines after declaring men should plan and pay for every date, and never move into a woman’s home.
Jake’s top five reasons to ghost a date:
1. If you go on a date with someone and you don’t like them, you don’t owe them an explanation on why,’ Jake adds. ‘If you don’t like someone, you don’t need a reason. If they are so sensitive that they can’t stand it when someone doesn’t like them, then they have a lot of personal issues to work out. They need to develop a sense of resilience and intestinal fortitude and that is not your problem.’
2. Finding your ideal partner will take time and hard work. It’s not supposed to be easy. You may have to go on 50 to 100 first dates to find that ideal person for you. Having to have a long-winded sympathetic conversation with every guy or girl you don’t like would be a massive waste of time, so don’t feel bad ghosting someone. You are helping that person become more resilient and grow some thicker skin and you are saving yourself some time in the process. Remember, every minute you waste with the wrong person is a minute stolen from your ideal partner, the time you have is limited, stop wasting it.
3. A common phrase I hear is, ‘but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.’ Listen, if they are such a sensitive person that they can’t handle it if someone doesn’t like them then they definitely aren’t your ideal partner anyway. He isn’t in his masculine energy. She isn’t in her feminine energy. And either way, they need to develop some emotional maturity. The majority of people I coach are people pleasers. If you are a people-pleaser then you are going to find yourself in a lot of terrible relationships because you don’t have the strength to say NO.
4. Life is a reflection of what we allow. High value people let good things into their lives; low value people let in tonnes of garbage and that’s why their life is garbage. Stop saying yes to everything! Start saying no. If you can’t develop this skill then finding your ideal partner will be a very long painful process.
5. Lastly, you don’t owe that person anything. You went on one date with them. That’s not a promise of anything more. The dating process is about you as an individual finding your ideal partner.
Speaking to FEMAIL the popular relationship coach revealed learning how to navigate a relationship efficiently has been the greatest accomplishment of his life.
‘There was a good ten-year period in my life that was pure hell because I didn’t understand relationships at all,’ he said.
‘So, I decided to learn about and become a master at them. After years of studying under mentors and reading books and putting information into practice, I achieved a 10/10 relationship,’ he added.
Jake believes men struggle in relationships because they ‘aren’t good at verbalising their wants and needs, or even understanding them’.
‘The greatest mistakes people make are not being intimate enough, not communicating effectively, ignoring masculine and feminine energy, not going on enough dates and disrespecting each other,’ he said.
The controversial relationship coach believe men should lead the way in their relationships – and women should respect that (stock image)
Jake shares his five pillars for a 10/10 relationship:
1. Raise attraction. It’s easy to fall into lazy habits when you feel comfortable with your other half. Don’t. Yes, you have to be loved for you who are but keep the best parts of who you are at the forefront, the parts they fell in love with.
2. Masculine and feminine energy. We’re not all the same. Respect each other’s differences. Men and women don’t think or act alike. Understand and appreciate differences and use them to build a relationship that’s richer rather than using them to tear a relationship down.
3. Courtship. Remember the thrill of dating. Don’t stop that thrill. A relationship will wither it lapses into a monotonous routine. Boredom makes people look for excitement. That’s one thing we’re all wired to do.
4. Intimacy. Keep making love. Keep those intoxicating love hormones flowing. Keep the bond between you strong.
5. Communication. This one is tricky. Men and women often communicate differently. Allow honesty to come without being defensive. Conversely, be kind not cruel. Mostly, talk. Don’t bottle things up, especially hurts, slights and anger. You can be vulnerable. Talk can be forgiving. And conversation can make understanding and togetherness grow.
Source: Jake Maddock
These views are backed-up in Jake’s Instagram and TikTok videos where he says it is never a woman’s job to ‘ask a guy out’.
‘The guy should plan the date, come up with the idea, he should execute the date and pay for the date. Your job is to sit back and have fun,’ he said in one video.
He also suggests women look for red flags about commitment, explaining men will let you know if they are keen for something longterm.
‘If I guy says let’s go with the flow it says he doesn’t know how to date effectively,’ he said – adding that it can be a cop out and show he just wants to ‘keep sleeping with you’.
‘You can get a new house together or the woman can move in to the woman’s house – the man doesn’t move into the woman’s house,’ he said
‘If a guy says I eventually want something with you but he isn’t making any progress, keeping you on sidelines then you are a plan B.’
He also coaches people after the first few weeks of dating and says when it comes to moving in with a partner there are rules.
‘You can get a new house together or the woman can move in to the woman’s house – the man doesn’t move into the woman’s house,’ he said.
This appears to be so the woman can ‘take the man’s lead’ at home, without having to ‘surrender’ her own space.
The former soldier and builder was always in ‘blokey’ industries which he says gives him a unique insight into how men can bury their emotions.
He decided to pursue his love for love after an horrific car accident four years ago.
‘It was a pivotal moment. I could have died,’ he recalled.
‘What followed was a lot of soul-searching and then the decision to go after what would really make my life worthwhile. A few days after I came out of hospital, I decided to go all in and become a relationship coach. I love this business.’
Five pieces of controversial advice straight from Jake Maddock’s reels:
1- Women should move in with their man, or couples should get a new place together. Men should never move in with their female partner.
2- Couples have ‘no excuses’ not to be intimate three times per week.
3- Relationships aren’t about equality – they are about love and happiness – which is why you shouldn’t deman things to be 50/50.
4- Men must plan, pay for and execute the entire date – and women should never ask a man out first.
5- Relationships don’t need to be fought for. No fighting involved in an ideal relationship because you both want it.
But the formal soldier’s ‘man’s man’ view appears to have had a polarising impact on some of his audience – with many women claiming his advice stretches the void between offensive and dangerous.
One such piece of advice is that couples should be intimate between two and three times per week, minimum, throughout their whole relationship.
‘There is no **qualified** sex or relationship therapist who would give such blanket advice…from, a sexologist in training,’ one woman said.
Clementine Ford commented: ‘You have no qualifications to present yourself as a ‘relationship coach’. Not only is advice like this really dangerous and predatory, but you don’t even offer a reason why? These are just your personal opinions,’ she said.
In the controversial video he said there are ‘no excuses’ for letting intimacy slide.
‘Of course there’s no excuses. Because you don’t need an excuse to not have sex. A simple no is enough. Please learn what consent is,’ one woman said.
In another video Jake says women shouldn’t ask men out – but can make suggestions about dates.
‘You want to say things like I love talking to you, when are you going to ask me on a date,’ he said.
But his followers argued this advice goes against his masculine, feminine rule.
‘If you are trying to be feminine you wouldn’t ask him for a date backwards or forwards, that’s being masculine in my opinion,’ one woman said.
‘This is kind of passive aggressive and not very attractive to me,’ said another.
While others slammed the tactic for ‘rewarding lazy, low effort men.
‘I normally agree with you, but not on this one. Does a masculine man need prompting about taking you out on a date? I don’t think so.’