Do YOU want to have more orgasms? Tracey Cox reveals what to do if you can only climax a certain way – and shares the best methods for being pleasured in bed
‘What if I can only orgasm one way?’ is a question I am often asked by women.
Is this a bad thing? Which method is ‘best’? What do I say to my partner who thinks I should orgasm during intercourse? Can I be taught to climax a different way?
All these questions – and more – are answered in this definitive guide to the three most popular female orgasm methods.
Sexpert Tracey Coxy has offered answers to all the questions you might have about climaxing in this definitive guide to the three most popular female orgasm methods (stock image)
I CAN ONLY ORGASM USING MY VIBRATOR
“I spent from my late teens to the end of my twenties, trying desperately to orgasm. Then a girlfriend bought me a vibrator as a present. I used it and was like, ‘Oh my God! Why didn’t someone tell me how easy it is with these things!’ I never looked back – until I met my new boyfriend. He has an issue with it – says it’s ‘unnatural’.”
Reason why: ‘Unnatural’ or not (more on that later!), vibration is by far and away the most effective way to stimulate the clitoris. Vibrator induced orgasms almost always feel more intense than others because vibration creates much more stimulation than a tongue, finger or penis can. It’s impossible for a human to recreate the sensations a vibrator produces.
We become lazy masturbators. Justifiably so. Why bother using your fingers and slave away for ten minutes when you can turn on a machine, be done in three and have a more powerful orgasm.
So it’s a good thing?
Lots of women wouldn’t have any orgasms at all if it wasn’t for the humble vibrator. A world without them would be a very sad place – one I certainly wouldn’t want to live in!
Tracey shared remedies if you can only climax using a vibrator or while on top
There is NO evidence that using a vibrator regularly causes any lasting physical damage or ruins our ability to have an orgasm in other ways. (They can – for mere minutes – make the area numb if you’ve used it on a high setting for a long time.)
If you are comfortable telling your partner this is how you orgasm and are happy to use it with them, there is no downside. Couples who use vibrators together reduce the orgasm gap – the number of orgasms women have with partners versus men – significantly. It’s a win-win for sexually secure people.
There might be issues if… You or your partner think there is something ‘wrong’ by only being able to climax this way.
It’s not ‘unnatural’ or ‘cheating’ or shameful if this is the only technique that works for you. Vibrator orgasms aren’t inferior to an orgasm created by a penis, finger or tongue. No way is better or worse than the other.
Some are still hung up on the myth that says women should orgasm during intercourse. Yet only 17 to 25 per cent of women climax through penetration alone. No-one’s making this stuff up to make you feel better, it’s fact.
Another thing you might be attached to is wanting your partner’s body to be responsible for your orgasm (ie their hands, tongue, penis etc).
This I get because of the intimacy factor.
But if it’s the difference between no orgasm together at all or one where your partner is holding the vibrator giving you one hell of an orgasm, I know what I’d prefer.
If you want to retrain – and not forgetting the more ways you can orgasm the more you’ll have – here’s how.
I CAN ONLY ORGASM WHEN I’M ON TOP
“I learnt to orgasm early: with my first ever boyfriend. He was older than me and very experienced – maybe that’s why it happened easily. My first orgasm was with me on top and I can’t get there any other way. I don’t understand the fuss about clitoral orgasms: they just feel irritating.”
Reason why: In lots of women’s (and men’s) eyes, you’ve hit the jackpot, so why would you want to explore other ways of making yourself climax? Intercourse orgasms are like the holy grail: less than one quarter of women achieve them but nearly all women want to. Thanks to centuries of societal brainwashing, It’s what we all secretly think ‘should’ happen.
There’s evidence ‘vaginal orgasms’ feel milder than orgasms achieved through stimulation of the clitoral tip (the bit you can see) by a vibrator, tongue or finger. If that feels too intense for you, could be you have tightly packed nerve endings that are ultra-sensitive and indirect stimulation suits you better.
It’s a good thing? As I’ve mentioned, in many ways, yes. Research also shows women who orgasm through penetrative sex alone are much more active in bed – not
afraid to reposition themselves until they find their ‘sweet spot’ and happy asking for what they want or need to orgasm.
How come I can climax through intercourse and other women can’t?
While ALL orgasms originate from the clitoris, there’s an inner part that you don’t see. Most of the clitoris is hidden underneath, extending in two ‘wings’ about four inches long. The place we call the ‘G-spot’ – an area on the front vaginal wall – is part of the clitoral network. It’s the C-spot, not the G-spot!
Most women climax when the tip of the clitoris, the most sensitive part, is stimulated. But some women get enough stimulation from the penis rubbing the inner clitoris underneath the skin.
There’s also evidence women who have vaginal orgasms have a clitoris that’s bigger and closer to the entrance of the vagina, meaning it gets ‘pulled’ during thrusting.
Any downsides? In terms of intercourse, it could be an issue if you or your partner aren’t keen on woman-on-top positions. The other obvious drawback is that you’re dependant on having a real-live person with you, one who is also in the mood when you are.
I CAN ONLY ORGASM ALONE
“I can make myself climax solo in three minutes but I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner. So many men say, ‘Oh, but you’ve never had sex with ME!’, convinced they will be the one to make it happen, but it never does.”
Reason why: If you’ve only ever climaxed alone while masturbating, you’ve taught your brain that orgasm is something that should happen solo. Most women feel self-conscious having an orgasm for the first time with someone new: it’s not easy letting yourself lose control. We worry we’ll look silly or unattractive or make ourselves feel vulnerable.
It can also be because you only orgasm with a vibrator and don’t want to admit this to your partner. Or use a non-partner-friendly technique, like masturbating while lying on your stomach.
It’s a good thing? You know how to make yourself orgasm. Now, it’s just a matter of getting your body used to letting go with another person present – and showing and teaching your partner what you need to make you climax.
It’s a problem because…
Some people – men particularly – have a bonkers assumption that they should just ‘know’ what their partner needs to orgasm. If they fail, it means they’re a bad lover. This is why some men get defensive or angry when you do confess whatever it is they’re doing, doesn’t work for you.
Word it this way, however, and problem solved. Instead of saying, ‘Don’t do it that way, do it this way’, say, ‘Do you know, I used to love the way you made me orgasm, but it didn’t feel as good as it used to last time. I’ve always wanted to try this. Can we give it a try?”.
Tracey’s podcast SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey comes out every Wednesday. You’ll find her two product ranges – Tracey Cox Edge and Tracey Cox Supersex at lovehoney.co.uk.
