Tracey Cox reveals what to do if you can only orgasm using a vibrator

Do YOU want to have more orgasms? Tracey Cox reveals what to do if you can only climax a certain way – and shares the best methods for being pleasured in bed

‘What if I can only orgasm one way?’ is a question I am often asked by women.

Is this a bad thing? Which method is ‘best’? What do I say to my partner who thinks I should orgasm during intercourse? Can I be taught to climax a different way?

All these questions – and more – are answered in this definitive guide to the three most popular female orgasm methods. 

Sexpert Tracey Coxy has offered answers to all the questions you might have about climaxing in this definitive guide to the three most popular female orgasm methods (stock image)

Sexpert Tracey Coxy has offered answers to all the questions you might have about climaxing in this definitive guide to the three most popular female orgasm methods (stock image) 

I CAN ONLY ORGASM USING MY VIBRATOR

“I spent from my late teens to the end of my twenties, trying desperately to orgasm. Then a girlfriend bought me a vibrator as a present. I used it and was like, ‘Oh my God! Why didn’t someone tell me how easy it is with these things!’ I never looked back – until I met my new boyfriend. He has an issue with it – says it’s ‘unnatural’.”

Reason why: ‘Unnatural’ or not (more on that later!), vibration is by far and away the most effective way to stimulate the clitoris. Vibrator induced orgasms almost always feel more intense than others because vibration creates much more stimulation than a tongue, finger or penis can. It’s impossible for a human to recreate the sensations a vibrator produces.

We become lazy masturbators. Justifiably so. Why bother using your fingers and slave away for ten minutes when you can turn on a machine, be done in three and have a more powerful orgasm.

So it’s a good thing?

Lots of women wouldn’t have any orgasms at all if it wasn’t for the humble vibrator. A world without them would be a very sad place – one I certainly wouldn’t want to live in!

Tracey shared remedies if you can only climax using a vibrator or while on top

Tracey shared remedies if you can only climax using a vibrator or while on top

There is NO evidence that using a vibrator regularly causes any lasting physical damage or ruins our ability to have an orgasm in other ways. (They can – for mere minutes – make the area numb if you’ve used it on a high setting for a long time.)

If you are comfortable telling your partner this is how you orgasm and are happy to use it with them, there is no downside. Couples who use vibrators together reduce the orgasm gap – the number of orgasms women have with partners versus men – significantly. It’s a win-win for sexually secure people.

There might be issues if… You or your partner think there is something ‘wrong’ by only being able to climax this way.

It’s not ‘unnatural’ or ‘cheating’ or shameful if this is the only technique that works for you. Vibrator orgasms aren’t inferior to an orgasm created by a penis, finger or tongue. No way is better or worse than the other.

Some are still hung up on the myth that says women should orgasm during intercourse. Yet only 17 to 25 per cent of women climax through penetration alone. No-one’s making this stuff up to make you feel better, it’s fact.

Another thing you might be attached to is wanting your partner’s body to be responsible for your orgasm (ie their hands, tongue, penis etc).

This I get because of the intimacy factor.

But if it’s the difference between no orgasm together at all or one where your partner is holding the vibrator giving you one hell of an orgasm, I know what I’d prefer.

If you want to retrain – and not forgetting the more ways you can orgasm the more you’ll have – here’s how.

TEACH YOURSELF ANOTHER WAY 

Vibration is strong and your clitoral nerve endings have become habituated to that level of intensity. The aim is to get them used to a gentler style of stimulation.

Solo: Use the vibe to take you to the brink of orgasm, then ditch it and use your fingers at the very end. Make the switch a little earlier each time, until you don’t need the vibrator at all.

Stop using the vibrator for a month before trying the methods below.

Rub against something. This masturbation method suits long-term vibrator users better, because it provides firm pressure and friction. Little girls learn to masturbate this way by humping the arm of a sofa or chair. Recreate the feeling by lying on your stomach with genitals pressed firmly into the bed with a pillow or firm cushion between your legs. Use your hands to move the cushion to where feels best.

Use a hand-held shower head or the jet in a hot tub. If you have strong water pressure, simply holding the stream of water or positioning yourself against the jet, will be enough to tip you over.

With a partner: Once you’re retrained your nerve endings to respond to stimulation that isn’t vibration, you’ll be far more likely to orgasm through the second favourite way for women to climax…

Oral sex: If you’ve tried this and it didn’t work, there are three reasons why. First up, your nerve-endings were habituated to your vibrator. (Now cured by hitting reset). Second, his technique didn’t work for you. (Educate him by telling you what you like and don’t like; you’ll find lots of great oral techniques online – traceycox.com has plenty.) Third, it’s because there’s another person in the room. (See ‘I can only orgasm alone’.)

Make sure he takes his time, everything is wet and done slowly and that he uses his whole tongue, not just the tip, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Guarantee a mind-blowing oral orgasm by doing this: get him to hold a vibrator on the mons (the fleshy bit with hair on it) on the lowest possible setting as he’s giving you oral sex.

The vibration will be slight, but your brain will spring to attention. Vibration! This I know! It’s used to vibration being the ‘She’s about to climax’ trigger, so the brain merrily sets off on that well-worn path of brain synapses.

 

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I CAN ONLY ORGASM WHEN I’M ON TOP

“I learnt to orgasm early: with my first ever boyfriend. He was older than me and very experienced – maybe that’s why it happened easily. My first orgasm was with me on top and I can’t get there any other way. I don’t understand the fuss about clitoral orgasms: they just feel irritating.”

Reason why: In lots of women’s (and men’s) eyes, you’ve hit the jackpot, so why would you want to explore other ways of making yourself climax? Intercourse orgasms are like the holy grail: less than one quarter of women achieve them but nearly all women want to. Thanks to centuries of societal brainwashing, It’s what we all secretly think ‘should’ happen.

There’s evidence ‘vaginal orgasms’ feel milder than orgasms achieved through stimulation of the clitoral tip (the bit you can see) by a vibrator, tongue or finger. If that feels too intense for you, could be you have tightly packed nerve endings that are ultra-sensitive and indirect stimulation suits you better.

It’s a good thing? As I’ve mentioned, in many ways, yes. Research also shows women who orgasm through penetrative sex alone are much more active in bed – not

afraid to reposition themselves until they find their ‘sweet spot’ and happy asking for what they want or need to orgasm.

How come I can climax through intercourse and other women can’t?

While ALL orgasms originate from the clitoris, there’s an inner part that you don’t see. Most of the clitoris is hidden underneath, extending in two ‘wings’ about four inches long. The place we call the ‘G-spot’ – an area on the front vaginal wall – is part of the clitoral network. It’s the C-spot, not the G-spot!

Most women climax when the tip of the clitoris, the most sensitive part, is stimulated. But some women get enough stimulation from the penis rubbing the inner clitoris underneath the skin.

There’s also evidence women who have vaginal orgasms have a clitoris that’s bigger and closer to the entrance of the vagina, meaning it gets ‘pulled’ during thrusting.

Any downsides? In terms of intercourse, it could be an issue if you or your partner aren’t keen on woman-on-top positions. The other obvious drawback is that you’re dependant on having a real-live person with you, one who is also in the mood when you are.

TEACH YOURSELF ANOTHER WAY 

Even if you’re feeling quite superior to the rest of us, this shouldn’t stop you extending your orgasm repertoire.

Solo: Try a clitoral vibe: If you haven’t already experimented with clitoral stimulation, give it a whirl. Choose a clitoral vibe that fits in the palm of your hand: they tend to have gentler vibration. If it still feels too intense, put a T-shirt between you and it to deaden the vibration.

Use a g-spot vibe or a dildo: You can easily recreate the sensation of a penis inside you by inserting a G-spot vibe (shaped to hit the bit of the vaginal wall that’s stimulated by you-on-top). If you don’t like the vibration, use a dildo and massage the area instead.

With a partner: It’s unlikely you’ll be getting too many complaints from a male partner because your ideal way to orgasm – intercourse – is also his.

Try new oral sex techniques: A tongue provides an entirely different type of stimulation than a vibrator or finger. It’s softer, for a start. Experiment with new techniques and new positions; insert a dildo or G-spot vibe and leave it in place as they give you oral, so you’re also getting internal stimulation.

Find other positions that stimulate the front vaginal wall. Doggy style is a good bet. Tilt your pelvis and try lying flat, on all fours or leaning forward on your forearms to hit different parts.

Switch from another position to woman-on-top at the very end for variety.

 

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I CAN ONLY ORGASM ALONE

HOW TO HAVE MORE ORGASMS 

Understanding orgasms is the key to having more.

There is no ‘right’ way to orgasm. No method is superior, it’s whatever works best and is easiest for you. This is partly because…

Nerve structures in the clitoris vary person to person. Some women have tightly packed nerve endings that respond to a tiny amount of stimulation. If your nerve endings are spaced out more, you need firmer, stronger pressure.

Stop aiming to orgasm. Instead, simply aim to enjoy exploring your own or your partner’s body. It takes the pressure off which is part of the reason why you can’t climax.

Get in the mood by watching or reading erotica and enjoying lots of non-genital based touching before moving onto direct stimulation. A slow build is often better and you’re less likely to become desensitised

 

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“I can make myself climax solo in three minutes but I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner. So many men say, ‘Oh, but you’ve never had sex with ME!’, convinced they will be the one to make it happen, but it never does.”

Reason why: If you’ve only ever climaxed alone while masturbating, you’ve taught your brain that orgasm is something that should happen solo. Most women feel self-conscious having an orgasm for the first time with someone new: it’s not easy letting yourself lose control. We worry we’ll look silly or unattractive or make ourselves feel vulnerable.

It can also be because you only orgasm with a vibrator and don’t want to admit this to your partner. Or use a non-partner-friendly technique, like masturbating while lying on your stomach.

It’s a good thing? You know how to make yourself orgasm. Now, it’s just a matter of getting your body used to letting go with another person present – and showing and teaching your partner what you need to make you climax.

It’s a problem because…

Some people – men particularly – have a bonkers assumption that they should just ‘know’ what their partner needs to orgasm. If they fail, it means they’re a bad lover. This is why some men get defensive or angry when you do confess whatever it is they’re doing, doesn’t work for you.

Word it this way, however, and problem solved. Instead of saying, ‘Don’t do it that way, do it this way’, say, ‘Do you know, I used to love the way you made me orgasm, but it didn’t feel as good as it used to last time. I’ve always wanted to try this. Can we give it a try?”.

TEACH YOURSELF ANOTHER WAY 

Communication is the key to solving this one: namely letting your partner know exactly what you need to orgasm.

Think about how you feel about sex. Did you grow up in a house where parents told you it was ‘bad’ or ‘dirty’. Have you had any traumatic sexual experiences that have left you feeling anxious and stressed about sex?

Know the facts. Most women don’t orgasm through penetration, so don’t even bother trying that way. Direct stimulation of the tip of the clitoris with his tongue, finger or a vibrator is the most reliable method.

Try mutual masturbation, using your favourite method. Your brain will be happy because you’re using the technique it’s most used to. Having your partner in the room doing the same thing takes the spotlight off you, so you’re more able to relax. It also introduces the concept of ‘company’ to ‘orgasm’ in your brain.

Tell your partner your preferred way to climax. If that’s using a vibrator, let them in on the secret. Hand it over and share an orgasm that way. Or use it on yourself initially and let him watch to see what technique you use.

Give yourself time. Don’t feel you have to rush to climax – or that you must achieve that goal every time. Experiment. Explore. Good sex is about the journey not the destination.

Try different techniques and methods. A lot of the reason women don’t orgasm with their partners is because their partner’s technique is ineffective – or plain useless. Give them guidance, give positive feedback and be specific. If you like using your fingers, put their hand over yours to replicate your technique.

 

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Tracey’s podcast SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey comes out every Wednesday. You’ll find her two product ranges – Tracey Cox Edge and Tracey Cox Supersex at lovehoney.co.uk.

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